Are BDSM negotiations prior to playing really important? We’re playing in public. It’s already safe, why bother.
Pre-play negotiations is like foreplay…without it, the experience won’t be as great as it could have been.
Some of the most important questions to ask are health and emotionally related. Here’s a few examples why health inquiries are so important: You want to ensure you know if your play-partner is diabetic because this will affect circulation; do they have respiratory issues like asthma and if so, where do they keep their inhaler. Nothing ends a scene faster than your partner getting excited and having an asthma attack and you don’t know where that inhaler is. Are there any physical conditions to look out for such as knee or back problems; do they have any STD’s/STI’s which need to be taken into consideration when playing with insertable toys or having sex—including oral sex.
Another important question to ask is about “emotional triggers”. Are there key words you should avoid or certain toys that will elicit the “wrong” response. For instance, if you call him/her a “slut” will that trigger them to be more adventurous and daring in their response or will it shut them down? Is the use of a cane okay, but a belt will bring the scene to a screeching hold? And how will they react if you use extreme restraints or sensory dep, will they shut down, become violent, or beg for more?
We haven’t even discussed aftercare yet.
Just these few questions will provide you with a wealth of information about your play-partner and ensure you have the best experience ever. Ignoring this “foreplay” will set you up for failure or at the very least an experience you’ll regret.
I recommend using a BDSM Checklist though it seems so cliché. However, within it you/your play-partner will reveal so much. Because I’m big on connecting the emotional and psychological aspects to D/s play, my BDSM Checklist has a few additional questions such as like and dislike and whether the activity would be acceptable if they were “forced”—this question alone opens the door to consensual non-consent an aspect of BDSM play used by more experienced and edgier players.
I address these emotional and psychological connections in my book,
BDSM The Naked Truth and provide you with a BDSM Checklist I created specifically for you. You can obtain a FREE copy of the checklist when signing up for my Newsletter.
Live with passion,
Dr. Charley Ferrer
If you’re curious about Dominance and submission, join us at
BDSM Writers Con annually in Everett Washington or New York City where you’re discover many aspects of BDSM through workshops and live-demos. Best of all, you’ll get to hang out with your favorite–or soon to be favorite–authors and discover the lifestyle alongside them. Check out a few of our workshops.